Boredom

I was laid off at the beginning of July.

This was me a month ago:

I’m reading! For pleasure! I mean, I’m reading the heck out of stuff! I’m getting caught up on my monthly magazines, on newspapers, online comics, blogs, monthly manga…. I finished a novel I’ve been working on for a year! I’ve been to the library! I’ve borrowed a variety of magazines from a friend (she has excellent taste). I’ve been passionate about reading since I learned how. It’s a joy to finally spend so much time as an adult with the written word. When I was younger, a steady supply of fiction books kept me satisfied. Now there is so much subject matter across such a wide variety of media! I could read my whole life and never learn enough.

Now, this was me a week ago:

I'm so bored. I'm bored, but at the same time, I don't feel like doing anything. It's not a nice feeling. I'm losing sense of time, and as a result, I'm forgetful. I forget to return phone calls. A day or two may go by before I remember that I need to do laundry or dishes. It's like my brain has shut down. I still have some things to do, like swimming, Pilates, and now band, but my days are still filled with close-to-my-face activities. I job hunt on the computer, taking breaks to read, knit, or sew. I should get out and walk, or go to MOBOT, but it has been so hot. It would be helpful if I had a daily routine.

First impressions of unemployment.....

Why did they choose me? What did I do wrong? I really tried to be a good employee. I had a good review last spring. I think people liked me there. Maybe I was disillusioned with the corporate world, but everyone was such a joy to work with, and the work was interesting and challenging, so I tried to do a good job. My team was worth it. Why would they do this to me? Why pick me over the newer guys? What company in their right mind selects the token female from a team of 20 for a layoff? Was it because I had the least vacation to pay for? Was it because they knew I don’t have dependants or a mortgage to pay (thank goodness)? Was it because one of my programs got pushed back? Was it because Sir What’s-his-name didn’t like me? If that’s the case, a professional ought to know that sometimes you just have to work with people who you don’t see eye-to-eye? Well, maybe if you’re management, you get to work with whomever you want. The worst part about all this is that I’ll never have closure. I have my speculations, but I’ll never really know why. All these questions keep me up at night. Thanks to them, I’m back to my old late night college years’ schedule. The BBC and a pile of podcasts offer a welcome distraction. Perhaps getting the questions out of my head and down on “paper” will help me to finally relax.