Well, my summer sabbatical has turned into fall, and winter is almost here.... at least I'm not bored anymore, not really. I've got plenty to keep me busy. But the bills keep coming and the savings slowly dwindles. At least I've got savings.....
Anyway, I've been looking at grad school. I still have lots of research to do and questions to ask, but I'm not really sure if it will put me in the right direction. I was reading "What Do You Want to Be When You Grow Up: 14 Questions to Help You Figure it Out," and the last question is, "What do you want? What do you really want?" What a tough one! Right now, I feel like I could spend the rest of my life asking that question, existing without aim, doomed to never fulfill my purpose.
Maybe that's ok. Maybe the only reason I am dissatisfied is because of my attitude. I'm sure most everyone feels unfulfilled at some point. That doesn't really make me feel that much better.
Now matter how hard I work, my purpose is only to make money for someone else. Maybe I can find something that makes people money and makes the world a little better too.

The Hunt

Job hunting is really tough these days. I have a quota of three jobs to apply for each week, but I have to spend a great deal of time searching for three openings that I am qualified for. It seems there aren’t a lot of entry level openings in my field. I was job hunting just a year and a half ago, and there were lots of jobs available. It’s amazing how quickly some things can change.
Even the job openings that I find don’t bring me much joy. I want to be working, but the idea of going back into a cubicle in front of a computer all day…well, I can’t bring myself to look forward to it. People just aren’t designed to be sitting all day, looking at screens.
Look, I’m single, no dependants (except for a few pets), minimal expenses; I’m the only person I need to be working for. As long as I’m spending all this time at work, it might as well be enjoyable, right? Right? I mean, is a cool job really too much to ask for? Am I expecting too much from my life; are my standards of “cool” too high?

Boredom

I was laid off at the beginning of July.

This was me a month ago:

I’m reading! For pleasure! I mean, I’m reading the heck out of stuff! I’m getting caught up on my monthly magazines, on newspapers, online comics, blogs, monthly manga…. I finished a novel I’ve been working on for a year! I’ve been to the library! I’ve borrowed a variety of magazines from a friend (she has excellent taste). I’ve been passionate about reading since I learned how. It’s a joy to finally spend so much time as an adult with the written word. When I was younger, a steady supply of fiction books kept me satisfied. Now there is so much subject matter across such a wide variety of media! I could read my whole life and never learn enough.

Now, this was me a week ago:

I'm so bored. I'm bored, but at the same time, I don't feel like doing anything. It's not a nice feeling. I'm losing sense of time, and as a result, I'm forgetful. I forget to return phone calls. A day or two may go by before I remember that I need to do laundry or dishes. It's like my brain has shut down. I still have some things to do, like swimming, Pilates, and now band, but my days are still filled with close-to-my-face activities. I job hunt on the computer, taking breaks to read, knit, or sew. I should get out and walk, or go to MOBOT, but it has been so hot. It would be helpful if I had a daily routine.

First impressions of unemployment.....

Why did they choose me? What did I do wrong? I really tried to be a good employee. I had a good review last spring. I think people liked me there. Maybe I was disillusioned with the corporate world, but everyone was such a joy to work with, and the work was interesting and challenging, so I tried to do a good job. My team was worth it. Why would they do this to me? Why pick me over the newer guys? What company in their right mind selects the token female from a team of 20 for a layoff? Was it because I had the least vacation to pay for? Was it because they knew I don’t have dependants or a mortgage to pay (thank goodness)? Was it because one of my programs got pushed back? Was it because Sir What’s-his-name didn’t like me? If that’s the case, a professional ought to know that sometimes you just have to work with people who you don’t see eye-to-eye? Well, maybe if you’re management, you get to work with whomever you want. The worst part about all this is that I’ll never have closure. I have my speculations, but I’ll never really know why. All these questions keep me up at night. Thanks to them, I’m back to my old late night college years’ schedule. The BBC and a pile of podcasts offer a welcome distraction. Perhaps getting the questions out of my head and down on “paper” will help me to finally relax.